so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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