I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
