I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
