i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize