Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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