You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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