I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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