i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
