i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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