youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
