Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
