Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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