I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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