I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
