is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
