I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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