Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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