When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
splinters make it hard to masturbate
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
