I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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