I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
