so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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