Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
