Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
