***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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