I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
