I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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