Jerry, you need to find god
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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