i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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