This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
