How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
