Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
