I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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