were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
