i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
