I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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