I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
