My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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