is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
