I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
