Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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