Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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