I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
