In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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