Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize