if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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