Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
