At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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