he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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