i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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