I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Michael Bay diarrhea
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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