Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
