I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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