What tipped you off? The sombrero?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
