He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
