good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize