i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
