It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
