i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Sorry my hands just texted you
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
