apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
