Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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