yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
