i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
