Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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