Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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