she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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