Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize