I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
