I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
