i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
