Pappa wants mamma naked
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
