Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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