My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
