I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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