I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
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