Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
